Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

[oldschool]

?The Scottish Brothel?
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies

Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."

"You're not from the tax department are you?" asked the madam?

"Most certainly not", replied the man.

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged ?5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still ?5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.

Where are you from?"

The man replied,  "Edinburgh."

"Really," she said.  "I have family in Edinburgh   ..."

"I know." the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.

As instructed in her will, I have paid your ?15,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1.  Death
2.  Taxes
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!








 

[oldschool]

English is such a funny language...check out these foreign signs...

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

In a Bangkok Temple :

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a Cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

And finally the all time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

[JoKer]

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later,

Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together."

The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?"

To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

[oldschool]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[oldschool]

LITTLE HENRY AND BECKY

Little Henry and Becky are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Henry goes to Becky's father to ask him for her hand.

Henry bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Becky are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Henry, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Henry replies,
"In Becky's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Becky."

Again, Henry instantly replies, "Our allowance, Becky makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Henry has put so much thought into this.

"Well Henry, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question...
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of you own?

Henry just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable!

[JoKer]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[oldschool]

The 6 Affairs...

The 1st Affair  

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.  
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.  

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  
He put on his shoes and drove home.  

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.  

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary...we had sex all afternoon.'  

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard...you've been playing golf!'  

The  2nd Affair  

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters, but always talked about having a son.  
They decided to try one last time for the son they'd always wanted.  

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.  
The joyful father rushed to the hospital to see his new son.  

He was horrified at the ugliest baby he had ever seen!  

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.  
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!  

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'  
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'  

The 3rd Affair  

A mortician was working late one night.  
He examined the body of Mr Schwartz, about to be cremated and made a startling discovery.  
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!  

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.  
It must be saved for posterity.'  

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.  

'I have something to show you, that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.  

'My God!' the wife exclaimed...'Schwartz is dead!'  

The 4th Affair  

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.  
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.  

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'  
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..  

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it, so I got one for us, too.'  

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.  
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.  

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this...I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'  

The  5th Affair  

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.  
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'  

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...  
He glanced at the menu and asked:  

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'  
'A nickel,' the barman replied.  

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.  
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'  

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'  
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'  

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'  

The 6th & Best Affair  

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'  

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.  
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace..  

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend...and your mother!'  

'I know,' she replied...'now just rest and let the poison work.'  

[oldschool]

HOW TO START A FIGHT:

The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...

The Unreasonable Wife

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

The Humourless Wife

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

The Misinformed Wife

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...

The Dangerous Wife

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

The Lazy Wife

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...

The Humourless Husband

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed....
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...

The Soft Husband

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....

The Masochistic Husband

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

[Paddy75]

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Go-Gay-With-Hilman-Minx-advert-laminated-poster-print-/120904400082?pt=UK_Car_Parts_Vehicles_Automobila_ET&hash=item1c2676bcd2

The 'gay look' Minx, unfortunate 1950's phrase. I recall in the primary school there were a few old 1950's books around and one of them was the 'gay way' series! ''..Jill and Tom went to the village green..Tom however really liked Peter in his gay-look Minx...''

[avenga]

Haha. That was pretty funny.

[oldschool]

Yeah that's a funny poster...too bad they weren't painted purple!!
Must be time for Gay jokes...you've heard of those two gay Scottish footballers...Ben Doon and Phil McCracken??!!
And two huge new dinosaur fossils have just been found together in the spooning position...scientists have named it Megasaur-arse..!!

[Paddy75]

Hahaha thats an old joke, I heard it as 'Ben Doon and Phil McCraevis' or 'Mick Fitzpatrick and Pat Fitzmichael'
Well sure lets update an old Irish joke, with an Avenger twist.
Q. Why did the Kerryman bury his TV?
A. He wanted to see Rootes!

[Paddy75]

Oh another old one I heard last night...

Pat and Mick were two McAlpine navvy hodsmen who worked together all their lives on the Highways and byways of England. Pat died and his best buddy Mick was so heartbroken he died too three months later.
Pat went to heaven and Mick went to hell.

In heaven Pat was put to work 24/7 repairing the roads of heaven. Still missing Mick and exhausted from the work he asked God to see if he could get Mick out of hell to give him a hand with the work.

So he was granted his request and went into hell to find Mick.

There he found Mick sitting in a big comfortable armchair by an open fire with a stunning blonde on his knee and a Whiskey bottle by his hand.
''..what the...you went to hell for being the womanizing drunk Mick McKee, and here you are for all eternity with a beuatifull woman lazing about the place with a bottle of whiskey..''
Said Pat, ''..I've been working non-stop in heaven since I died, just as I did all my life on earth!..''

Then Mick replied, ''..great to see you again Pat Maguire, take a sip of that single malt 12 yearold Whiskey..''
''... I will indeed..'' replied Pat.
''..hey! There is no hole in this whiskey bottle..''

Then said Mick, ''..there is no hole in this blonde either!..''

The old ones are the besht!!!

[oldschool]

So you're saying Hell is not a 'holey' place??...LMAO

[Paddy75]

Aha I see there are a lot of guid auld fashoned dour Scot and wreckless Mick jokes here. Great!

In the Highlands the Minister is shaking the hands of his parishoners leaving the church after another blood and hellfire sermon.
''..Oh Ian and Morag, I believe ye two are romantically involved?..''
''..ach nooo..'' says Ian, ''..we are engaged..''
Goes some way to explain the dangerously low Scottish birthrate!
Do we have to populate Scotland, Again! The third time! (a historical quip, in the 4th-5th century the 'scotus' (Irish) took Alba hence Scottish gallic and Irish gaelic being the same lingo) then the bonkers Irish birth rate in the 18th/19th century seen yadeyadeya...

Fr Maguire meets one of his parishoners, and Mick is as grumpy as a billy-goat.
Says Fr Maguire ''..ach now so, tell me now Mick is Brigit obliging ye?..she hasn't been gettin' any of those black protestant birth control idears is she now?..''
''..ahh well Father she heard about this cycle-regulation thing and the bitch hid me push-bike!..''

Here is a great clip from Spike Milligan, hahaha mission control Sligo! The Guinness 1, pity there wasn't the English equivalent, the Leyland 1? Rrrrr.rrr..rrr bang, cough! See the clip and you'll get what I'm on about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nfz9O_mSY1U&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL8755F2D7D97DBAEB