Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

[JoKer]

At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
?In fact,? he pointed out, ?some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.?
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,?Would you like to know what the painting is really about??
?Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?? asked the husband.
?Because I?m the guy who painted it.? he replied.
?In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They?re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Paddy75]

Technical units explained:

Understeer: When you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: When you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: How fast you hit the wall.
Torque: How far you take the wall with you.

Volts: Gives you the jolts.
Amps: Gives you the cramps.
Watts: Gives you the hotts.

[JoKer]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

[oldschool]

Looks like a 1970's joke...most guys are under the thumb these days...LMAO

[oldschool]

Sensitivity Training for Men:

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with it.
I converted to Judism and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name's Kathy.

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I had to go down to the opp shop and get all her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[JoKer]

o boy I'm going to hell for laughing, more than once

[oldschool]

MORE JOKES FOR JOKER!!

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he'd made it home safely!


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then?"


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


The police are after me for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only wanted to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.


Just had a water bill of $300 arrive in my letterbox. That's a lot...Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $10 a month...time to change supplier I think.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt....Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...one's in a korma...the other's got a dodgy tikka!


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's Love Juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sits there with his mouth open in amazement!
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon'


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


An elderly couple are in church. Halfway through the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart, what I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[JoKer]

knee slappingly awesome jokes there!

[Paddy75]

Witness the power of Morris Ital 1.3 HL !!! [2nd Take]

Watch until about 45 secs in and then look at the fourth comment!

[oldschool]

Don't be in any hurry to trade in your Avenger Paddy...that Marina sounds stuffed!
No. 7 comment is pretty funny!

[Paddy75]

Yeh No7 comment including the replies, its worth the wait until you hear the combination of worn valve stems - all OHV do that + a goosed timing chain + an ancient 3 bearing engine that they 'tuned' to run way too lean.

Here is a clue, 'Banker.'

The chances of me swapping my or any other Avenger for a Mayraina are next to nil and me winning the lotto and if I did get 6 or 7 numbers come up there would be a Tiger in the garage.
I don't begrudge marina owners and I'm not jumping on the Top Gear piano-dropping bandwagon, Dad had one and it was a horror! Was not a car it was a 2-door torture chamber!
I took a hammer to the rear lights on it one day, Pops still thinks it was a Belfast vandal that did that!
When I first shown him the Avenger I said ''..you should have bought one of these yokes..'' he replied ''..aye well the Avenger was harder to buy..'' YEH, I'd imagine so!
He bought a 2-door 1977 1.8 Super Marina2 'coup?' b/c we were wee and so wanted a 2-door.
Well damn and blast but I could have, we could have, been ferried about in a 1600 2 door! FFS! If an Avenger was dearer than a Marina then he... would have had to drop down the years...that could have been a MK1 2-door Avenger!
Oh well many Aunts, Uncles and Granda had a better idea! Silver Avengers, blue ones, redish brown ones, yellow wagons and an orange Avenger. Mostly MK1.

Anyhow, the most funny way I've ever heard of describing the sound of a worn out ohv engine!

Witness the power of Morris Ital 1.3 HL !!! [2nd Take]
wait fot about 45 secs and go for comment 7, ho hohohoho

[Paddy75]

Joe Lucas - Prince of Darkness.

Henry Ford - Prince of Posers.

Walter Chrysler - Prince of Accountants!

[oldschool]

PUNOGRAPHY

These are good...

? I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

? I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

? When chemists die, they barium.

? Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

? A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

? I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

? How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

? I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

? This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

? I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

? I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

? They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

? A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

? PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

? Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

? Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

? The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

? I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

? Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

? What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds.

? Broken pencils are pointless.

? What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

? England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

? I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

? I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

? All the toilets in Auckland's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

? I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

? Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

? Velcro - what a rip off!

? Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

? Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

? Earthquake in Wellington, obviously the government's fault.

? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[oldschool]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ?correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn?t drink beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where?s your Ferrari?

[Paddy75]

Oh no! Me Avenger is trying to go back to the 1970's!



Had a bit of paint left from the time I got the front tidied up a bit when I first bought the Avenger and the paint must have got contaminated, tried mixing black then red into it and oh-no 1970's brown hahahahaha

Some two-tone job this!


The paint on the car has gone from more red to purplish over the years and the drivers side rear panel had gone very white-ish purple so after I stung the rust spots in the sills and elsewhere I went to the guy and we tried to spray the lot. Oh well makes a good enough base coat. I'll go to a parts shop tomorrow and get them to mix a colour to match the front wings.

Kinda suits a car of the era this purplish tone the paint has gone. People would think you are a swinger or something!