Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

[JoKer]

Best Christmas cracker joke as yet:

When do spare parts from Japanese cars start falling out of the sky? When it's raining Datsun cogs.

[JoKer]

I think this fits in here rather well



given the thread title and all.....

[oldschool]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came up to him and said, "Have ya ever been f**ked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

 

[oldschool]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and endless paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local polytech and signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the budding mechanic prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don?t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen before in my entire career!"

[oldschool]

Competition for Red Bull?!

[Paddy75]

12 - Punt and Dennis - Avenger Ad

A 1975? 'Hillman' Avenger getting the piss taken

[oldschool]

You CAN'T beat a Maori!!

A Maori and an Aborigine entered a chocolate shop.
As they were busy looking around, the Aborigine stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the Aborigine said to the Maori.

"Man, I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me, you can't beat that."
The Maori replied: "You want to see something better?
Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you some real stealing."

They went up to the counter and the Maori said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see some real magic, man ?"
The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."

The Maori said: "Give me one chocolate bar."
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
The Maori asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Maori replied: "Check in my friend's pocket and you'll find all three chocolate bars."

You just CAN'T beat a Maori !!

[Paddy75]

Form the description of a set of Hella H4 headlights upgrade for a Hillman Avenger. Read carefully there is a great punchline at the end.

New old stock Hella boxed H4 Halogen headlight conversion kit, suitable for the following;
?Hillman Avenger Mk1 1970 to 1976.

OK, before the questions start flooding in, NO, Talbot Sunbeam headlights are different. You may be able to adapt these to fit, but my answer is NO they are different (for the record).

Those of you that own Avengers know how bad the standard lights are (I remember 28 years ago going to look at one to buy second hand (it was a 1972 strange blue coloured one that leaked more oil than the Torrey Canyon). Foolishly, I went and viewed it at night, and half way through my 'road test' I stopped the car and walked round the front because I was convinced the front lights weren't working. They were, they were just rubbish. Worse in fact than my 1970 HC Viva 1159cc that I was replacing, and they were dreadful. Looking back, it could have just been oil mist, but hey, I was 17 years old. Needless to say, I didn't buy the car, but that memory stays with me.

So now is the chance to replace your candles, or gas lights if you have a GL (not many people knew that 'GL' simply stood for 'Gas Lights').

Gas Lights! Hahahaha and the round headlamp panels are some price!

[oldschool]

Those 38W dip beams are probably down to 25W after the current has worked it's way from the battery (near the headlights) through the firewall to the light switch, then through the column switch and and fuse box back to the headlights...lol
They're a lot brighter with a relay installed on the inner guard...bedside the wiring and opposite the starter for a good 12V feed.

[Nikolai]

Has anyone used thouse HID conversion kits?

[Paddy75]

When I bought the car it had already the Lucas H4 headlights with the plastic bowls upgrade fitted. I first thought the lights were okay, not great, and when the time came for the test I took it to a garage to get the alignment tested.
A very poor pattern was found so I took the headlamps apart and found that the previous owner or his kack-handed mechanic has fitted the standard triangular lug halogen bulbs which were obviously not fitting too well.
So next stop ebay and I ordered a set of H4 Halogen bulbs with the circular fitting. When I fitted them I noticed that there is a small keyway to properly slot the bulbs in place.
What you do is turn the bulbs clockwise untill it keys into the slot so the filament is NOT horizontal as they are fitted on modern cars, you turn the bulb to give the dipped beam deflection for the ditch.

This then gave the pattern needed - passed the test. Headlights were a lot better and I could see the dipped beam was shining up on the ditch side.

As Richard said, its a good idea to relay the dip and main beam direct from the battery or starter. I ran new heavier cable from the realys I attatched to the battery clamp to the bulb sockets and the headlights got better again. Also the not very good Lucas switches probabbly wouldn't take the greater current Halogens will pull. So now the drum switch and stalk are just carrying the current to trigger the relays.
The headlights are very good and I replaced the alternator also. The original ACR was done for, corroded and the regulator circuitry gone green. When I had the dip or main beam running, the voltmeter 'Volts Supply' gauge would drop to battery static voltage.
Got a Lucas LRA alternator with the correct handing for next to nothing, an LRA360 which is a 55A alternator I believe.
Headlamps brighter again! With the voltmeter indicating a healthy 13+ V with the main beam on.

Long story short, yes the Halogen upgrade is the biz. You could just get the circular fitment 55/60W halogen lamps and fit to a tungsten pattern headlamp which should be okay I guess.
Just don't fit the halogen lamps on the square, they need to be turned.

[JoKer]

these aren't funny jokes :[

[avenga]

these aren't funny jokes :[

Nah, I don't get them either.

With it being St Patricks day yesterday I was expecting some good Irish jokes from Paddy

[oldschool]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy an officer who knows Italian, stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro as Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the car" the English driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the seats: this car is designed to carry five people."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over, I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Murphy can't help you" responds Paddy, "He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Paddy75]

Well sure this last few years Ireland has not been a very happy place. Recession, emmigration, little work - oh hey, why the suprize? It was always that way. 14 kids each generation and the population is still lower than in the 1800's!

Okay a couple of really corny Irish jokes.

Irish burial at sea, the spade has water wings.

Why was the Irish pound called the punt? It was the only word that rhymed with the Bank Manager.

Why was sex before marrage frowned upon in the 1930's? It crumpled the dress and made you late for the service.

Why do the Irish seem flakey and stupid? So everyone else can understand.

Why do the Irish drink so much? Its an immunity to rain.

Whats the diffrence between the Scots and the Irish? Its the diffrence between a bar and a liquor store.

Hibernia - the land of eternal winter. In the summer the rain is slightly warmer.

Why does it not snow so much in Ireland despite the cold? Because its ''..too cold to snow..'' No joke, you hear that all the time!

The Irish health department has announced they are going to build three new mental hospitals, one in Dublin another in Cork and Kerry is getting a roof.

I can't think of many Irish jokes, paddys day yesterday was pretty dull it has to be said. Probabbly was fun in Perth, Melbourne, Auckland, Toronto, Vancouver, London, oh you get the picture! BTW my youngest sister is now a Kiwi, being a Radiographer she got some sort of residency.

Me and Avenger were in a vintage parade yesterday, I got bored with the 5-10mph crawl and let the Austin 1100 in front go ahead then booted the Avenger up the Main Street, got a cheer and a sneering look from a couple of Cops!