Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

[JoKer]

Think you know everything?

- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
- The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
- There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
- Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful a Life."
- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
- "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

[Paddy75]

Two German businessmen walk into a New York brothel and so the Madam introduces then to a couple of her new recruits at the bar.
All seems to go well, drinks are bought and there is noting to indicate anything too unusual is wrong. After the third drink one of the Businessmen whispers something into the young ladys ear.
She slaps him on the face, gets up and beckons her comrade to march off.

The Madam presumes the Businessmen are into something 'special' so she leads them upstairs to her more experienced workers. Thinking she has seen and heard it all she asks the man who got slapped what was their thing? Embarresed he murmers ''..erm...ve are not zo strange..is quite normal in Germany..''
So believing she will hear all about it afterwards she leads them into a room on the 2nd floor where a couple of very experienced night-ladies are present. She closes the door and before she can get to the stairs she hears a terrible shriek then ''..get the hell outta here!..''

Now our Madam is a determined sort, she has seen all sorts of wierd and wonderfull actions and knows every trick. She prides herself in meeting all the barely legal customers demands.
(..sheesh!..) She thinks (..they must be really far up the left if those two women have refused their request..Germans! Businessmen!!! ...If they were any more kinky they'd have pointy ears!..)

So determined not to be beaten, our Madam takes by now the two very embarrsed businessmen back to the bar and offers them a couple of large whiskeys and asks ''..okay so you guys want to go to the basement..huh?..''
Pours them another double shot and asks them to wait fot about 1/2 hour.

So Madam phones the two meanest dykes she knows, ''..yeh..German...sure I have spare fuses this time...its pay-day I tell you...bring Sadie the Sade..you reckon she is in a bad mood too? Great!..''

Feeling pleased with herself, if not a little concerned about her next electricity bill, she asks the men to go down to the basement and wait by the door.
Both vicious dykes show up and there is a short conversation.

''...GET THE HELL AWAY YOU PAIR OF....''

The Madam is stunned, never before has this happened, she breaks the rule of a lifetime and decides to ask those Businessmen just what the hell they are into...

''...ve only vanted to pay in ?uro..''

[oldschool]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...the arse hole is usually in charge!

[oldschool]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were drinking at a pub in France while on holiday....

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , The Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favourite pub The Randy Tart, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house.?

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true!
They asked, ?Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times...."

[JoKer]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends".

[avengertiger]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.


A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says


A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.


"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F**k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.

__________________

[avengertiger]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the F ord 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[oldschool]

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT...

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania.
They drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car.  
Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail.    
The car swerves and smashes into a tree..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding.
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.
 
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.
I am not a medical doctor;  I am a scientist.  
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training.
I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.  
Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  
Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.
It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play.
A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat.
He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.  
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

...and you thought this was going to be a dirty joke...haha

[oldschool]

Did I Read That Right?!

In a Hotel:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES  OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT  UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON  WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an  office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING  BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE  ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING  YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice  in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO  ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE  STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a  repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T  WORK)

From the Newspapers:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Do you really have to think about this one?


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really?  - Ya  think so?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's  taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a  guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Typical union tactics...


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that  works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where  it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya  think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought it...?


Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

I always wondered how they stayed up...


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS  the battery charge!


New Study of  Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Seems logical...?


Kids Make  Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they  tall!

And the winner  is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Go figure?!

[oldschool]

Sex in the Dark...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, passionate session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids.'

[oldschool]

Teachers & Cops

12 Teacher Comments:
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

             1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

             2. I would not allow this student to breed.

             3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

             4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (My favorite.)

             5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

             6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

             7. This child has been working with glue too much.

             8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

             9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

             10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

             11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

             12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.

             1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

             2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

             3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

             4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

             5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

             6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
             
              7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

             8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

             9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

             10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

             11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

             12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

             13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

             14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

             15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

             AND THE WINNER IS....

             16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."  
     

[oldschool]

Can't beat that Kiwi Logic....

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important
position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same
question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man and the man is
lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada says 'My answer is, there IS no answer.'

The second, from Australia says 'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information I was given.'

The third one, from New Zealand says 'I'm not exactly sure, but I've narrowed it down to two names...
It's either Willie Turner or Willie Naylor?'

The Kiwi got the job..

[JoKer]

A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor.

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie?s characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, ?ohm, ohm, give me mho?. As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro?s capacity rapidly discharged ? every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

[oldschool]

The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my wife.  
They said "Is this your wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!".  
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality!"

Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool while pointing out the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.

Man walks into Whitcoulls and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don?t think it?s in yet?"
He replies "Yeah, that?s the one!!"

[oldschool]

A Touching Love Story...

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying..........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own f**king blanket.'

After a moment of silence........................he farted.

The End