Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

[oldschool]

Rubbing Together

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again!
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 euros in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put anything in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the money on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 euros is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
Father O'Malley answers the phone...'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

Marriage Humour
 
Wife:        'What are you doing?'
Husband:  'Nothing.'
Wife:        'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband:  'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Stress Reliever

Girl:     'When we get married, I want you to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  
Boy:    'That's very kind of you darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  
Girl:     'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son:  'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'  
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son:  'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'  

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'  
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'  

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again? Wife replied. 'Your horse called!"

[oldschool]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

[oldschool]

Birth control by the bucket and saucer method.

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.

The counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, "The rhythm method". "That will work ," said the counsellor, "but you must keep a good temperature records."
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills" she said.
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget to take them".
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer
Method." After a short delay, and not wanting to appear dumb, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim..
Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied, "I  used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied,"The birth control pill .. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't  have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you."
She replied, "Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.    
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ......
"I kick the bucket out from under him".

[oldschool]

TWELVE PRIESTS

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up naked in a row, while a beautiful sexy topless dancer performed in front of them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful dancer performed before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos...as she danced, his bell began to ring so much that it flew off, landing on the floor a few metres in front of him!
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly ran to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up...then all the other bells started ringing...

[oldschool]

Medical School Exam

When I was young I wanted to attend medical school, but was confused by the entrance exam...

The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out an important part of the body that works best when erect."
       
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are Members of Parliament.

[oldschool]

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle' he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Paddy replied 'These are Carols.'

[JoKer]

LOL keep up the good finds I may just borrow that one

[oldschool]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
To keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you were better looking it would lift itself."

[oldschool]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that...can I see her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[JoKer]

[oldschool]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there's thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
         
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first" says the bartender "those are the rules."
So after thinking it over a while, he gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay" says the bartender "here's what you need to do:

"First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained up out the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call" says the  bartender "but your money stays where it is."
                 
The man has a few more drinks and finally says "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next he staggers out the back door where the pit bull is chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight...then nothing but silence!
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. 

He then drunkenly asks..."Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
     

[oldschool]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she's on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat and to come and ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said 'Ok, you can go now, but only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later without the dog...
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Paddy75]

A couple of old jokes I heard recently

Micks wife has had enough of him staggering back from the Bar at 3am every Friday and Saturday and figures his route home goes by the graveyard.
So one night she takes a bed sheet with her to the graveyard to try to scare the love of the liquor out of him.
Sure enough at 2:45am Mick comes walking sideways past the graveyard.

''..Woooww, I'm the devil and here to take you Mick Maguire..''

''..oh hey..'' Says Mick, ''..put it there sure I married yer Sister!..''


Brigit visits the Doctor for advice on how to get her husband Pat to cut down on the drinking. The quack is told how Brigit has tried every complaint and threat but Pat is still at the Porter.
So the good Doctor tells Brigit that maybe a wee bit of psychology might do the trick and advises her to meet Pat at the door in her underwear, lead him into the sitting room, give him a drink, cook a meal and take him to bed.

That night Pat staggers up to the front door and Brigit hers the keys rattling in the lock.
Goes to the door dressed in fishnets and a mini-skirt and beckons mesmerised Pat to the couch, ''..would you like a drink me darlin' Pat..'' and pours a large Whiskey.
After some kissing hot talk Brigit gets up and cooks a fry, after Pat has finished eating she says in a lustfull voice, ''..Pat, lets go upstairs..''

Pat tilts his head sideways and thinks this must be the night of his life.

''..Ach sure I might as well because when I get home I'm gonna get killed!..''


Pat and Mick are in the Bar when Mick says, ''..I bet ye a fiver I'm a bigger liar than you are..''
''..go ahead Mick..'' as Pat puts his fiver on the counter over Micks ?5.

Mick smiles and said, ''..You know I climbed Niagra Falls with a barrel on my back..''
Without hesitation Pat just says, ''..Aye, sure I seen ye do it..''

[Avenger414]

A blonde with an older Volkswagen Beetle pulls over on the side of the highway as her car stalls. She doesn't know much about cars but decides to pop the hood to see what the problem is. At this time, another blonde pulls up behind her in another Beetle. the second blonde asks what the problem is and the first blonde says "Someone stole my engine!". The second blonde goes back to her car and says "I just checked my trunk, I've got a spare you can use"

[oldschool]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father.  That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?