The Hillman & Chrysler Avenger Forum

Sylvia...

I met her at the Civic. I'd been Holden up in a bar all night. As she
walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that
was just a Mirage. She came up to me of her own Accord. I said Audi.

She told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was
an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing
a nice Mini, but not like that of a Hunter. Her name was Sylvia and she
was a real Trooper.

I'd drunk a few Coronas when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to
Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort,
so by her standards I wasn't that Ford. I didn't want to pay, she said
you don't know what your Nissan. So I paid. I took her back to my place
or HQ as I like to call it, I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an
absolute Legend.

Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food
left in the Lada. It was a great night, but I really should have worn a
condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy... a little Bambina!

what's the best way to double the value of an avenger....




put a full tank of gas in it!

An Aussie bloke was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aussie, soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen .. she was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening .. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aussie bloke started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

man asks his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery" wife says " take half & leave" man says "here's a fiver now f*ck off

A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in West Cork when suddenly a brand-new 4x4 advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 186 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his 4x4.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the Fianna Fail Agriculture Research and Advice Sector", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a flock of sheep...

Now give me back my f**king dog

Unashamedly copied and pasted but who cares.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does f**** all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

************************************************** *****

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is SO funny!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon. Good luck!'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to ...'
'Oh, no need to explain, 'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my speciality?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'Oh my, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my goodness!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward, 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away..'
'Tripod???'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'

It was then that Mrs. Smith fainted

Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums.
Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.

I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment and said...you know, that's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON , I WON !'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching?'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men.
   

The Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her....So I did.   
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says....'Now go to town cowboy.'

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.

More jokes from the land of the Avenger!!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection......but she did.
 
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
 
 
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge and one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
 
 
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

             

hahahah good times

Oldschool was driving his Turbo Avenger (TradeMe auction 367871563) down the motorway at 160 km/h enjoying wasting Escorts and Jappas, when looking in his rear view mirror...he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren wailing!

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180km/h, then 200, then 220.  Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited 10 minutes for the Holden Commodore police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the Turbo-venger, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends soon. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

Oldschool thought for a moment...then looked very seriously at the policeman and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman...I thought you were bringing her back!"

"Have a good day Sir", said the policeman.

Jumping On the Bed...!

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on the bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look, what's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
Her husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Gotta love women!!

With doctors making notes like these, stay out of hospital as long as possible!!


1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

8. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

9. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

11. She is numb from her toes down

12. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

13. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

14. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

15. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

16. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

17. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

18. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

19. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

20. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

21. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

22. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

24. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

25. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

26. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

27. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

29. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

 

The following questions were set in last year's SAT examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

lol DO DISHES!

lol if i didnt know the answer to some questions in exams i would just be a smart arse (until i got in trouble). but some of these sound like genuine answers lol

Vaseline Survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken aback....
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all....

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'


And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...lol!
 

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope, just when it's raining.'

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.

More Irish Jokes...

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife.  The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on those stupid bastards, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different...

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.  

Mick asks "What are you doing different this year then?"

Paddy says: "I'm damn well taking her with me!"

Bloke spends a night with female jockey. In the morning she says, come to the races today and i'll give u signals, as i leave the mounting yard for what horse to back. Race 2 she rubbed both tit's, so he backed Two Abreast and it won. Race 4 she put her fingers round her eyes so he backed Eyeliner. It won. Race 6 she stood up in the stirrups and rubbed her fanny. So he did not have bet at all. After races he thanked her for winners in races 2 and 4. She said what about Itchy Mickey in the 6th. He said fuck! I thought u were telling me the cunts scratched

(http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Dads_Response.jpg)

A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a traffic light and an old guy on a scooter pulls up next to him.
The old guy leans over and takes an admiring look inside the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car.
Well, the light turns green, so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and floors it, leaving the old guy on the scooter in his dust.
Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip past him!
So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the old guy on the scooter.
A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him!

So now he's a little irate, as well as a bit miffed that the scooter keeps passing him, so he floors it again, until he's going over 100 mph!
He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in his rear view mirror and sees the scooter about to overtake him again!!
He then decides to find out what the hell that scooter really is and slams on his brakes, causing the scooter to crash into him!
After the dust settles, the Porsche driver sees the dazzed old man lying on the road and goes over to him and asks how he could go as fast as a Porsche, on a wimpy little scooter??

The old man replied, "I can't really, my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/chinese-girl-four-drives-along-motorway-090410886.html

So thats how to avoid DUI's! She is probabbly a better driver than many!

bet she's awesome at Gran Turismo

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm going to lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby?
They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital.
They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them were crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely.
A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy baby was theirs.
"Isn't it Wonderful?" Elton said to David " All these unhappy babies.......and yet our baby is so happy.
That just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!""

"Oh I pity those that have seen her,
You see my car's a Morris Marina,
And though it goes, it's seldom for long,
Before something serious does go wrong....."

That's why I changed to Avengers!

During the RWC an Italian, Frenchman and Kiwi were talking in a pub.
The subject inevitably turned to their feats with women...

The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil.
Then we made passionate love. I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with  special aphrodisiac oil,
And then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
 
The  Kiwi fellow said: "That's nothing!!! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter.
I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love. I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and  Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours?  Phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Kiwi:  "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", says the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,
And pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun,
Keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question,
But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,
As she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes,
He jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"



   

Joining The Church!!        
           
A young couple wanted to join the church, the vicar told  them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'             
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.

When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...is there a problem?' the vicar inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The vicar asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult...however, we  managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.  It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for nearly an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'  admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome back at Bunnings, either.'

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner.

After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "How did you do?".

She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".

He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "All of them".

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said,
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".
Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished!
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant
and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper.  Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why the f**k can't they play at night?'

Roger 85 married Jenny a lovely 25 year old...

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages!!

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/373781_10150469358030832_187578840831_10617661_1281294545_n.jpg)

AUSSIE LOGIC

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: He ain't no stockbroker!  A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Pat: 'Scuse me.  No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: No offence taken!  I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: Oh!  What's that then?

Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: Err... Mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.  Which is  it?

Pat: It's in a pond!

Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably  married?

Pat: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Pat: Me? Never.

Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: How's that then?

Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Eric: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: What's that then?

Pat: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: Nope.

Pat: Well then, you're a wanker!

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March,....... etc.........

Children are Quick...

TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT:    Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America       ..
MARIA:        Here it  is.
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________ 
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:   Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:   No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
(I  Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
__________________________________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
__________________________________________ 
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:         Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are. 
_______________________________________
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:        I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:        All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
________________________________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. 
                 Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:        Because George still had  the axe in his hand.....   
______________________________________ 
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
______________________________
TEACHER:     Clyde , your  composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
                  Did you copy his?
CLYDE     :    No, sir. It's the same dog.   

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
_________________________________

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

A young Wellington woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. I'm a sailor and we are off to California tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy.
"With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to California, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to California." "I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Picton Ferry".

Things Confucius did NOT say...

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Finally...

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

The following are all replies that Liverpool women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details" or putting it another way....Who's the Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out No 10. It takes 1st prize and No 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise...

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also born at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur, the only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque.
For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.

She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

?The Scottish Brothel?
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies

Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."

"You're not from the tax department are you?" asked the madam?

"Most certainly not", replied the man.

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged ?5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still ?5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.

Where are you from?"

The man replied,  "Edinburgh."

"Really," she said.  "I have family in Edinburgh   ..."

"I know." the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.

As instructed in her will, I have paid your ?15,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1.  Death
2.  Taxes
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!








 

English is such a funny language...check out these foreign signs...

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

In a Bangkok Temple :

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a Cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

And finally the all time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later,

Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together."

The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?"

To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

LITTLE HENRY AND BECKY

Little Henry and Becky are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Henry goes to Becky's father to ask him for her hand.

Henry bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Becky are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Henry, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Henry replies,
"In Becky's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Becky."

Again, Henry instantly replies, "Our allowance, Becky makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Henry has put so much thought into this.

"Well Henry, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question...
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of you own?

Henry just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable!

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

The 6 Affairs...

The 1st Affair  

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.  
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.  

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  
He put on his shoes and drove home.  

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.  

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary...we had sex all afternoon.'  

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard...you've been playing golf!'  

The  2nd Affair  

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters, but always talked about having a son.  
They decided to try one last time for the son they'd always wanted.  

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.  
The joyful father rushed to the hospital to see his new son.  

He was horrified at the ugliest baby he had ever seen!  

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.  
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!  

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'  
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'  

The 3rd Affair  

A mortician was working late one night.  
He examined the body of Mr Schwartz, about to be cremated and made a startling discovery.  
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!  

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.  
It must be saved for posterity.'  

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.  

'I have something to show you, that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.  

'My God!' the wife exclaimed...'Schwartz is dead!'  

The 4th Affair  

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.  
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.  

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'  
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..  

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it, so I got one for us, too.'  

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.  
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.  

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this...I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'  

The  5th Affair  

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.  
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'  

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...  
He glanced at the menu and asked:  

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'  
'A nickel,' the barman replied.  

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.  
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'  

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'  
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'  

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'  

The 6th & Best Affair  

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'  

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.  
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace..  

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend...and your mother!'  

'I know,' she replied...'now just rest and let the poison work.'  

HOW TO START A FIGHT:

The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...

The Unreasonable Wife

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

The Humourless Wife

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

The Misinformed Wife

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...

The Dangerous Wife

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

The Lazy Wife

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...

The Humourless Husband

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed....
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...

The Soft Husband

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....

The Masochistic Husband

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Go-Gay-With-Hilman-Minx-advert-laminated-poster-print-/120904400082?pt=UK_Car_Parts_Vehicles_Automobila_ET&hash=item1c2676bcd2

The 'gay look' Minx, unfortunate 1950's phrase. I recall in the primary school there were a few old 1950's books around and one of them was the 'gay way' series! ''..Jill and Tom went to the village green..Tom however really liked Peter in his gay-look Minx...''

Haha. That was pretty funny.

Yeah that's a funny poster...too bad they weren't painted purple!!
Must be time for Gay jokes...you've heard of those two gay Scottish footballers...Ben Doon and Phil McCracken??!!
And two huge new dinosaur fossils have just been found together in the spooning position...scientists have named it Megasaur-arse..!!

Hahaha thats an old joke, I heard it as 'Ben Doon and Phil McCraevis' or 'Mick Fitzpatrick and Pat Fitzmichael'
Well sure lets update an old Irish joke, with an Avenger twist.
Q. Why did the Kerryman bury his TV?
A. He wanted to see Rootes!

Oh another old one I heard last night...

Pat and Mick were two McAlpine navvy hodsmen who worked together all their lives on the Highways and byways of England. Pat died and his best buddy Mick was so heartbroken he died too three months later.
Pat went to heaven and Mick went to hell.

In heaven Pat was put to work 24/7 repairing the roads of heaven. Still missing Mick and exhausted from the work he asked God to see if he could get Mick out of hell to give him a hand with the work.

So he was granted his request and went into hell to find Mick.

There he found Mick sitting in a big comfortable armchair by an open fire with a stunning blonde on his knee and a Whiskey bottle by his hand.
''..what the...you went to hell for being the womanizing drunk Mick McKee, and here you are for all eternity with a beuatifull woman lazing about the place with a bottle of whiskey..''
Said Pat, ''..I've been working non-stop in heaven since I died, just as I did all my life on earth!..''

Then Mick replied, ''..great to see you again Pat Maguire, take a sip of that single malt 12 yearold Whiskey..''
''... I will indeed..'' replied Pat.
''..hey! There is no hole in this whiskey bottle..''

Then said Mick, ''..there is no hole in this blonde either!..''

The old ones are the besht!!!

So you're saying Hell is not a 'holey' place??...LMAO

Aha I see there are a lot of guid auld fashoned dour Scot and wreckless Mick jokes here. Great!

In the Highlands the Minister is shaking the hands of his parishoners leaving the church after another blood and hellfire sermon.
''..Oh Ian and Morag, I believe ye two are romantically involved?..''
''..ach nooo..'' says Ian, ''..we are engaged..''
Goes some way to explain the dangerously low Scottish birthrate!
Do we have to populate Scotland, Again! The third time! (a historical quip, in the 4th-5th century the 'scotus' (Irish) took Alba hence Scottish gallic and Irish gaelic being the same lingo) then the bonkers Irish birth rate in the 18th/19th century seen yadeyadeya...

Fr Maguire meets one of his parishoners, and Mick is as grumpy as a billy-goat.
Says Fr Maguire ''..ach now so, tell me now Mick is Brigit obliging ye?..she hasn't been gettin' any of those black protestant birth control idears is she now?..''
''..ahh well Father she heard about this cycle-regulation thing and the bitch hid me push-bike!..''

Here is a great clip from Spike Milligan, hahaha mission control Sligo! The Guinness 1, pity there wasn't the English equivalent, the Leyland 1? Rrrrr.rrr..rrr bang, cough! See the clip and you'll get what I'm on about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nfz9O_mSY1U&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL8755F2D7D97DBAEB

Think you know everything?

- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
- The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
- There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
- Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful a Life."
- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
- "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Two German businessmen walk into a New York brothel and so the Madam introduces then to a couple of her new recruits at the bar.
All seems to go well, drinks are bought and there is noting to indicate anything too unusual is wrong. After the third drink one of the Businessmen whispers something into the young ladys ear.
She slaps him on the face, gets up and beckons her comrade to march off.

The Madam presumes the Businessmen are into something 'special' so she leads them upstairs to her more experienced workers. Thinking she has seen and heard it all she asks the man who got slapped what was their thing? Embarresed he murmers ''..erm...ve are not zo strange..is quite normal in Germany..''
So believing she will hear all about it afterwards she leads them into a room on the 2nd floor where a couple of very experienced night-ladies are present. She closes the door and before she can get to the stairs she hears a terrible shriek then ''..get the hell outta here!..''

Now our Madam is a determined sort, she has seen all sorts of wierd and wonderfull actions and knows every trick. She prides herself in meeting all the barely legal customers demands.
(..sheesh!..) She thinks (..they must be really far up the left if those two women have refused their request..Germans! Businessmen!!! ...If they were any more kinky they'd have pointy ears!..)

So determined not to be beaten, our Madam takes by now the two very embarrsed businessmen back to the bar and offers them a couple of large whiskeys and asks ''..okay so you guys want to go to the basement..huh?..''
Pours them another double shot and asks them to wait fot about 1/2 hour.

So Madam phones the two meanest dykes she knows, ''..yeh..German...sure I have spare fuses this time...its pay-day I tell you...bring Sadie the Sade..you reckon she is in a bad mood too? Great!..''

Feeling pleased with herself, if not a little concerned about her next electricity bill, she asks the men to go down to the basement and wait by the door.
Both vicious dykes show up and there is a short conversation.

''...GET THE HELL AWAY YOU PAIR OF....''

The Madam is stunned, never before has this happened, she breaks the rule of a lifetime and decides to ask those Businessmen just what the hell they are into...

''...ve only vanted to pay in ?uro..''

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...the arse hole is usually in charge!

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were drinking at a pub in France while on holiday....

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , The Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favourite pub The Randy Tart, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house.?

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true!
They asked, ?Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times...."

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends".

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.


A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says


A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.


"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F**k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.

__________________

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the F ord 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT...

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania.
They drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car.  
Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail.    
The car swerves and smashes into a tree..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding.
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.
 
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.
I am not a medical doctor;  I am a scientist.  
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training.
I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.  
Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  
Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.
It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play.
A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat.
He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.  
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

...and you thought this was going to be a dirty joke...haha

Did I Read That Right?!

In a Hotel:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES  OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT  UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON  WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an  office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING  BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE  ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING  YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice  in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO  ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE  STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a  repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T  WORK)

From the Newspapers:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Do you really have to think about this one?


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really?  - Ya  think so?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's  taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a  guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Typical union tactics...


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that  works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where  it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya  think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought it...?


Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

I always wondered how they stayed up...


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS  the battery charge!


New Study of  Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Seems logical...?


Kids Make  Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they  tall!

And the winner  is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Go figure?!

Sex in the Dark...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, passionate session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids.'

Teachers & Cops

12 Teacher Comments:
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

             1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

             2. I would not allow this student to breed.

             3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

             4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (My favorite.)

             5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

             6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

             7. This child has been working with glue too much.

             8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

             9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

             10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

             11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

             12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.

             1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

             2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

             3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

             4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

             5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

             6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
             
              7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

             8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

             9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

             10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

             11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

             12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

             13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

             14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

             15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

             AND THE WINNER IS....

             16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."  
     

Can't beat that Kiwi Logic....

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important
position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same
question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man and the man is
lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada says 'My answer is, there IS no answer.'

The second, from Australia says 'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information I was given.'

The third one, from New Zealand says 'I'm not exactly sure, but I've narrowed it down to two names...
It's either Willie Turner or Willie Naylor?'

The Kiwi got the job..

A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor.

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie?s characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, ?ohm, ohm, give me mho?. As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro?s capacity rapidly discharged ? every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my wife.  
They said "Is this your wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!".  
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality!"

Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool while pointing out the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.

Man walks into Whitcoulls and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don?t think it?s in yet?"
He replies "Yeah, that?s the one!!"

A Touching Love Story...

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying..........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own f**king blanket.'

After a moment of silence........................he farted.

The End

Best Christmas cracker joke as yet:

When do spare parts from Japanese cars start falling out of the sky? When it's raining Datsun cogs.

I think this fits in here rather well

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/66485_231119847023363_973452171_n.jpg)

given the thread title and all.....

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came up to him and said, "Have ya ever been f**ked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

 

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and endless paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local polytech and signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the budding mechanic prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don?t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen before in my entire career!"

Competition for Red Bull?!

12 - Punt and Dennis - Avenger Ad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXGjbmxStcs#ws)

A 1975? 'Hillman' Avenger getting the piss taken

You CAN'T beat a Maori!!

A Maori and an Aborigine entered a chocolate shop.
As they were busy looking around, the Aborigine stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the Aborigine said to the Maori.

"Man, I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me, you can't beat that."
The Maori replied: "You want to see something better?
Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you some real stealing."

They went up to the counter and the Maori said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see some real magic, man ?"
The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."

The Maori said: "Give me one chocolate bar."
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
The Maori asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Maori replied: "Check in my friend's pocket and you'll find all three chocolate bars."

You just CAN'T beat a Maori !!

Form the description of a set of Hella H4 headlights upgrade for a Hillman Avenger. Read carefully there is a great punchline at the end.

New old stock Hella boxed H4 Halogen headlight conversion kit, suitable for the following;
?Hillman Avenger Mk1 1970 to 1976.

OK, before the questions start flooding in, NO, Talbot Sunbeam headlights are different. You may be able to adapt these to fit, but my answer is NO they are different (for the record).

Those of you that own Avengers know how bad the standard lights are (I remember 28 years ago going to look at one to buy second hand (it was a 1972 strange blue coloured one that leaked more oil than the Torrey Canyon). Foolishly, I went and viewed it at night, and half way through my 'road test' I stopped the car and walked round the front because I was convinced the front lights weren't working. They were, they were just rubbish. Worse in fact than my 1970 HC Viva 1159cc that I was replacing, and they were dreadful. Looking back, it could have just been oil mist, but hey, I was 17 years old. Needless to say, I didn't buy the car, but that memory stays with me.

So now is the chance to replace your candles, or gas lights if you have a GL (not many people knew that 'GL' simply stood for 'Gas Lights').

Gas Lights! Hahahaha and the round headlamp panels are some price!

Those 38W dip beams are probably down to 25W after the current has worked it's way from the battery (near the headlights) through the firewall to the light switch, then through the column switch and and fuse box back to the headlights...lol
They're a lot brighter with a relay installed on the inner guard...bedside the wiring and opposite the starter for a good 12V feed.

Has anyone used thouse HID conversion kits?

When I bought the car it had already the Lucas H4 headlights with the plastic bowls upgrade fitted. I first thought the lights were okay, not great, and when the time came for the test I took it to a garage to get the alignment tested.
A very poor pattern was found so I took the headlamps apart and found that the previous owner or his kack-handed mechanic has fitted the standard triangular lug halogen bulbs which were obviously not fitting too well.
So next stop ebay and I ordered a set of H4 Halogen bulbs with the circular fitting. When I fitted them I noticed that there is a small keyway to properly slot the bulbs in place.
What you do is turn the bulbs clockwise untill it keys into the slot so the filament is NOT horizontal as they are fitted on modern cars, you turn the bulb to give the dipped beam deflection for the ditch.

This then gave the pattern needed - passed the test. Headlights were a lot better and I could see the dipped beam was shining up on the ditch side.

As Richard said, its a good idea to relay the dip and main beam direct from the battery or starter. I ran new heavier cable from the realys I attatched to the battery clamp to the bulb sockets and the headlights got better again. Also the not very good Lucas switches probabbly wouldn't take the greater current Halogens will pull. So now the drum switch and stalk are just carrying the current to trigger the relays.
The headlights are very good and I replaced the alternator also. The original ACR was done for, corroded and the regulator circuitry gone green. When I had the dip or main beam running, the voltmeter 'Volts Supply' gauge would drop to battery static voltage.
Got a Lucas LRA alternator with the correct handing for next to nothing, an LRA360 which is a 55A alternator I believe.
Headlamps brighter again! With the voltmeter indicating a healthy 13+ V with the main beam on.

Long story short, yes the Halogen upgrade is the biz. You could just get the circular fitment 55/60W halogen lamps and fit to a tungsten pattern headlamp which should be okay I guess.
Just don't fit the halogen lamps on the square, they need to be turned.

these aren't funny jokes :[

Quote from: JoKer on March 18, 2013, 10:59:25 AM
these aren't funny jokes :[

Nah, I don't get them either.

With it being St Patricks day yesterday I was expecting some good Irish jokes from Paddy

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy an officer who knows Italian, stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro as Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the car" the English driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the seats: this car is designed to carry five people."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over, I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Murphy can't help you" responds Paddy, "He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Well sure this last few years Ireland has not been a very happy place. Recession, emmigration, little work - oh hey, why the suprize? It was always that way. 14 kids each generation and the population is still lower than in the 1800's!

Okay a couple of really corny Irish jokes.

Irish burial at sea, the spade has water wings.

Why was the Irish pound called the punt? It was the only word that rhymed with the Bank Manager.

Why was sex before marrage frowned upon in the 1930's? It crumpled the dress and made you late for the service.

Why do the Irish seem flakey and stupid? So everyone else can understand.

Why do the Irish drink so much? Its an immunity to rain.

Whats the diffrence between the Scots and the Irish? Its the diffrence between a bar and a liquor store.

Hibernia - the land of eternal winter. In the summer the rain is slightly warmer.

Why does it not snow so much in Ireland despite the cold? Because its ''..too cold to snow..'' No joke, you hear that all the time!

The Irish health department has announced they are going to build three new mental hospitals, one in Dublin another in Cork and Kerry is getting a roof.

I can't think of many Irish jokes, paddys day yesterday was pretty dull it has to be said. Probabbly was fun in Perth, Melbourne, Auckland, Toronto, Vancouver, London, oh you get the picture! BTW my youngest sister is now a Kiwi, being a Radiographer she got some sort of residency.

Me and Avenger were in a vintage parade yesterday, I got bored with the 5-10mph crawl and let the Austin 1100 in front go ahead then booted the Avenger up the Main Street, got a cheer and a sneering look from a couple of Cops!

At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
?In fact,? he pointed out, ?some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.?
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,?Would you like to know what the painting is really about??
?Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?? asked the husband.
?Because I?m the guy who painted it.? he replied.
?In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They?re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Technical units explained:

Understeer: When you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: When you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: How fast you hit the wall.
Torque: How far you take the wall with you.

Volts: Gives you the jolts.
Amps: Gives you the cramps.
Watts: Gives you the hotts.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

Looks like a 1970's joke...most guys are under the thumb these days...LMAO

Sensitivity Training for Men:

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with it.
I converted to Judism and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name's Kathy.

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I had to go down to the opp shop and get all her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

o boy I'm going to hell for laughing, more than once

MORE JOKES FOR JOKER!!

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he'd made it home safely!


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then?"


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


The police are after me for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only wanted to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.


Just had a water bill of $300 arrive in my letterbox. That's a lot...Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $10 a month...time to change supplier I think.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt....Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...one's in a korma...the other's got a dodgy tikka!


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's Love Juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sits there with his mouth open in amazement!
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon'


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


An elderly couple are in church. Halfway through the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart, what I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

knee slappingly awesome jokes there!

Witness the power of Morris Ital 1.3 HL !!! [2nd Take] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYO_Bseo4J8#ws)

Watch until about 45 secs in and then look at the fourth comment!

Don't be in any hurry to trade in your Avenger Paddy...that Marina sounds stuffed!
No. 7 comment is pretty funny!

Yeh No7 comment including the replies, its worth the wait until you hear the combination of worn valve stems - all OHV do that + a goosed timing chain + an ancient 3 bearing engine that they 'tuned' to run way too lean.

Here is a clue, 'Banker.'

The chances of me swapping my or any other Avenger for a Mayraina are next to nil and me winning the lotto and if I did get 6 or 7 numbers come up there would be a Tiger in the garage.
I don't begrudge marina owners and I'm not jumping on the Top Gear piano-dropping bandwagon, Dad had one and it was a horror! Was not a car it was a 2-door torture chamber!
I took a hammer to the rear lights on it one day, Pops still thinks it was a Belfast vandal that did that!
When I first shown him the Avenger I said ''..you should have bought one of these yokes..'' he replied ''..aye well the Avenger was harder to buy..'' YEH, I'd imagine so!
He bought a 2-door 1977 1.8 Super Marina2 'coup?' b/c we were wee and so wanted a 2-door.
Well damn and blast but I could have, we could have, been ferried about in a 1600 2 door! FFS! If an Avenger was dearer than a Marina then he... would have had to drop down the years...that could have been a MK1 2-door Avenger!
Oh well many Aunts, Uncles and Granda had a better idea! Silver Avengers, blue ones, redish brown ones, yellow wagons and an orange Avenger. Mostly MK1.

Anyhow, the most funny way I've ever heard of describing the sound of a worn out ohv engine!

Witness the power of Morris Ital 1.3 HL !!! [2nd Take] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYO_Bseo4J8#ws)
wait fot about 45 secs and go for comment 7, ho hohohoho

Joe Lucas - Prince of Darkness.

Henry Ford - Prince of Posers.

Walter Chrysler - Prince of Accountants!

PUNOGRAPHY

These are good...

? I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

? I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

? When chemists die, they barium.

? Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

? A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

? I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

? How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

? I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

? This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

? I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

? I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

? They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

? A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

? PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

? Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

? Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

? The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

? I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

? Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

? What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds.

? Broken pencils are pointless.

? What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

? England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

? I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

? I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

? All the toilets in Auckland's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

? I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

? Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

? Velcro - what a rip off!

? Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

? Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

? Earthquake in Wellington, obviously the government's fault.

? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ?correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn?t drink beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where?s your Ferrari?

Oh no! Me Avenger is trying to go back to the 1970's!

(http://i1098.photobucket.com/albums/g379/Paddy075/PICT0814_zps3c14b9c2.jpg) (http://s1098.photobucket.com/user/Paddy075/media/PICT0814_zps3c14b9c2.jpg.html)

Had a bit of paint left from the time I got the front tidied up a bit when I first bought the Avenger and the paint must have got contaminated, tried mixing black then red into it and oh-no 1970's brown hahahahaha

Some two-tone job this!
(http://i1098.photobucket.com/albums/g379/Paddy075/PICT0816_zpse1a31636.jpg) (http://s1098.photobucket.com/user/Paddy075/media/PICT0816_zpse1a31636.jpg.html)

The paint on the car has gone from more red to purplish over the years and the drivers side rear panel had gone very white-ish purple so after I stung the rust spots in the sills and elsewhere I went to the guy and we tried to spray the lot. Oh well makes a good enough base coat. I'll go to a parts shop tomorrow and get them to mix a colour to match the front wings.

Kinda suits a car of the era this purplish tone the paint has gone. People would think you are a swinger or something!

(http://i1098.photobucket.com/albums/g379/Paddy075/PICT0820_zps34ec45db.jpg) (http://s1098.photobucket.com/user/Paddy075/media/PICT0820_zps34ec45db.jpg.html)

Rubbing Together

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again!
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 euros in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put anything in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the money on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 euros is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
Father O'Malley answers the phone...'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

Marriage Humour
 
Wife:        'What are you doing?'
Husband:  'Nothing.'
Wife:        'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband:  'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Stress Reliever

Girl:     'When we get married, I want you to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  
Boy:    'That's very kind of you darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  
Girl:     'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son:  'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'  
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son:  'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'  

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'  
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'  

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again? Wife replied. 'Your horse called!"

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

Birth control by the bucket and saucer method.

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.

The counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, "The rhythm method". "That will work ," said the counsellor, "but you must keep a good temperature records."
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills" she said.
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget to take them".
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer
Method." After a short delay, and not wanting to appear dumb, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim..
Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied, "I  used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied,"The birth control pill .. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't  have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you."
She replied, "Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.    
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ......
"I kick the bucket out from under him".

TWELVE PRIESTS

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up naked in a row, while a beautiful sexy topless dancer performed in front of them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful dancer performed before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos...as she danced, his bell began to ring so much that it flew off, landing on the floor a few metres in front of him!
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly ran to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up...then all the other bells started ringing...

Medical School Exam

When I was young I wanted to attend medical school, but was confused by the entrance exam...

The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out an important part of the body that works best when erect."
       
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are Members of Parliament.

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle' he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Paddy replied 'These are Carols.'

LOL keep up the good finds :P I may just borrow that one

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
To keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you were better looking it would lift itself."

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that...can I see her wun awound a widdlebit?'

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t31/q71/s720x720/1966171_595287200547823_123882041_o.jpg)

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there's thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
         
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first" says the bartender "those are the rules."
So after thinking it over a while, he gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay" says the bartender "here's what you need to do:

"First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained up out the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call" says the  bartender "but your money stays where it is."
                 
The man has a few more drinks and finally says "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next he staggers out the back door where the pit bull is chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight...then nothing but silence!
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. 

He then drunkenly asks..."Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
     

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she's on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat and to come and ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said 'Ok, you can go now, but only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later without the dog...
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

A couple of old jokes I heard recently

Micks wife has had enough of him staggering back from the Bar at 3am every Friday and Saturday and figures his route home goes by the graveyard.
So one night she takes a bed sheet with her to the graveyard to try to scare the love of the liquor out of him.
Sure enough at 2:45am Mick comes walking sideways past the graveyard.

''..Woooww, I'm the devil and here to take you Mick Maguire..''

''..oh hey..'' Says Mick, ''..put it there sure I married yer Sister!..''


Brigit visits the Doctor for advice on how to get her husband Pat to cut down on the drinking. The quack is told how Brigit has tried every complaint and threat but Pat is still at the Porter.
So the good Doctor tells Brigit that maybe a wee bit of psychology might do the trick and advises her to meet Pat at the door in her underwear, lead him into the sitting room, give him a drink, cook a meal and take him to bed.

That night Pat staggers up to the front door and Brigit hers the keys rattling in the lock.
Goes to the door dressed in fishnets and a mini-skirt and beckons mesmerised Pat to the couch, ''..would you like a drink me darlin' Pat..'' and pours a large Whiskey.
After some kissing hot talk Brigit gets up and cooks a fry, after Pat has finished eating she says in a lustfull voice, ''..Pat, lets go upstairs..''

Pat tilts his head sideways and thinks this must be the night of his life.

''..Ach sure I might as well because when I get home I'm gonna get killed!..''


Pat and Mick are in the Bar when Mick says, ''..I bet ye a fiver I'm a bigger liar than you are..''
''..go ahead Mick..'' as Pat puts his fiver on the counter over Micks ?5.

Mick smiles and said, ''..You know I climbed Niagra Falls with a barrel on my back..''
Without hesitation Pat just says, ''..Aye, sure I seen ye do it..''

A blonde with an older Volkswagen Beetle pulls over on the side of the highway as her car stalls. She doesn't know much about cars but decides to pop the hood to see what the problem is. At this time, another blonde pulls up behind her in another Beetle. the second blonde asks what the problem is and the first blonde says "Someone stole my engine!". The second blonde goes back to her car and says "I just checked my trunk, I've got a spare you can use"

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father.  That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?

(http://www.evilmilk.com/galleries/overflow-09/evilmilk-overflow-04.jpg)

lol

What happened to the Avengers in Ireland!

(http://i1098.photobucket.com/albums/g379/Paddy075/IMG_0465_zps720b6b20.jpg) (http://s1098.photobucket.com/user/Paddy075/media/IMG_0465_zps720b6b20.jpg.html)

This actually is kinda true! A notorious Kerry TD (MP) was wanting legislation to allow people who live locally to their Pub in rural areas to be granted special drink-driving permits. The idea being as you know the back roads and 'take her handy' while drunk sure whats the problem with that? Restricted to 60kph and only on the road from your Bar to home. Actually that's not a bad idea... People have to live and no Taxis in a lot of rural places.

Led then to this joke: Drunken culchie (redneck) get stopped by the Gards (fuzz) after a feed of drink on a Friday night.

Says to the Cop, ''..'tis grand so Gard, I live in a cave..''

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet," the dad replies.

The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go to the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"

"They summoned me to the principals office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.

"That's what I said" the boy replies.

A lady walks into a pet store.

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO

The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?"

The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."

The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.

She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking."

The lady finds it amusing.

Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight."

The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.  His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE..... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!"

This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing.  I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf just shook his head. "You think THAT's embarrassing ? I couldn't get on the bed !"

So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens.

It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.

So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.

The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!"

Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue and wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again and took a tissue, wiped her nose and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a bad cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, with her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

The woman replied 'I'm sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I've never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Yes...pepper!

A woman visits the chemist and asks "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Does it work?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered.
"Can I get it over the counter?" she asked.
"You can, if I take two," he replied.

The Amish Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
   
'Go get your Mother'

A BIBLICAL STORY

A woman crashes into a man's car driving home from church.

Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars the woman says; "Wow just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we would meet, be partners and live together in harmony for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle...my car is ruined, but my bottle of wine didn't break!

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
   
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too.

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
________________________________________

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
________________________________________

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so at least I got home OK.
________________________________________

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a naughty video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
________________________________________

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
________________________________________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late mate, the paperwork's already done."
________________________________________

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
________________________________________

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
________________________________________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered ? the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
________________________________________

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
________________________________________

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
________________________________________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
________________________________________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"